Being With Dying - Joan Halifax and Frank Ostaseski

I had no idea what to expect. 

Okay, that's not totally true. I expected Joann Halifax and Frank Ostaseski to facilitate a 2 day workshop an hour outside of New York City about being with dying. 

Special then, to find myself speaking with a stranger the entire train ride to the Garrison Institute. She, it came out slowly, was going to visit her mother, god mother, and dying grandmother. It was a tense situation, with all the family dynamics we get caught up in so well. the memory of our exchange escapes me but her wide and falling eyes, her resistant body and her somber smile yelled out. 

The thunder met us on our shuttle ride to the Institute, a building that looks partially like an old convent, almost like an ancient castle, and honestly like an insane asylum, though most currently like a space of contemplation. I could tell this by the stained glass windows that lined the meditation hall and the singular lawn chair under the pine tree. Oh, and the labrynth, set off in the distance. Close enough to see from the beautiful building, but far enough to feel alone. 

I climbed to the fourth floor, grateful for my decision to bring the backpack not the roller bag. As I rose, the humidity came with me. Rain poured through the open windows in the stairwells. Surprised to see 3 beds instead of two, I wondered if I should claim the bed that I felt to be most desirable or let someone else. I went for it and it didn't feel selfish to do so. 

Time between check in and our first session was my first experience surrounded by folks who are working with and fascinated by death. This meant that I wasn't the downer of the party, what a relief! Delicious food sent us into our first of five sessions. 

I refuse to play-by-play this but I'll call out some educational highlights as well as my personal experience moving through it. In my attempts to seek honesty and not theory, specifics and not generalities. I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that a few times I felt, "I don't have dark enough secrets, deep enough wounds to be here". I rehearsed my answers, and though we did many exercises to release this grasp on a lie that feels more acceptable than the truth, I didn't break through in this retreat. I felt it tighten, however, as I approached it. I felt totally uncomfortable and could see my hands fidget, my eyes look away from the gaze of eyes swelling with tears. I felt how I wanted to lean in and care for this person but that was specifically not my role and I'm a good rule follower. 

A few key topics:

• Compassion:

  • unreferential compassion as felt in this poem

  • the need to touch the suffering in order to feel the compassion

  • the combination of wisdom and suffering

• Forgiveness:

  • "All forgiveness is about self forgiveness" - Frank

  • Forgiveness does not equate to reconciliation

  • Letting someone back into your heart doesn't mean you have to let them back into your home

• Embodiment:

  • How and when to tune back into your body so you can serve others compassionately

  • How to not go over the edge from healthy empathy, compassion, altruism, respect, into the toxic side of these states.